Raynier’s House of Thoughts: Broken

The Things We Leave Behind

I should have known better when I got two free cheeseburgers at McDonald’s. I didn’t know you but nothing in this life is free of charge. I took it for what it was because I was young and uninterested in what you offered. The house phone rings but no one answer’s on the other line, it rung again and my mother says, “Stop calling and hanging up every damn time.” I wondered who she was screaming at, I have never seen her so angry from a simple misdial. I suppose this was the trial and tribulation of where I was mistaken. That phone call wasn’t made in error and only caused my family terror.

 

I’m growing up, two years pass after that phone call and now I’m very into myself. I need new Jordan’s, jeans, and a fresh shirt. I call the silent father that speaks in volumes with his money. To me it was funny how this man would never show his emotions but he was always physically there and maybe mentally scared. Still, he was my idol and happily carried the title father. I give him a call and he tells me to meet him at the store. I would regularly walk up my block from Broadway to Amsterdam but I decided to give him more time in case he didn’t arrive yet so I walk around my block and rerouted towards a different way. As I continue strolling along with a close acquaintance, my observation turns to a car similar to our family vehicle but what was missing is everyone from my family and passenger seat was occupied.

broklen 3

 

I recall leaving everyone at home since I was the one on turn up mode but little did I know that was also the case for my father. I breeze through and notice a woman that looked familiar but I still couldn’t put together who she was. Mental fingers snapped and it was you that served me the two free cheeseburgers that clearly came out more costly up to this day. This was the compounded interest charged on a debt throughout two years with no relief where only stress had increased. The cannon of despair reloaded and shot at the bright full moon bringing darkness to my life.

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Fast forward 6 months and the feeling of a heavy burden weighing on my shoulders from what I witnessed. I had continued to dismiss the fact that you wanted to break my mother’s heart but I can’t take sides against the family. I spoke to no one about you and that left me wondering why I was loyal to you. You didn’t give me life or pull your breast out to feed me first. I didn’t know what to do so I relayed back to instinct instead of logic, “Mami, I seen another woman in the car that wasn’t you or anyone in our family.” She sheds a tear, hugs me tight with her arms as her hands grip my back and whispers, “I’m sorry you had to see that.”

 

One month passes my room door clashes with the hands of a sleeping giant. I’m thinking, “What the fuck?” There goes my idol pointing his index finger with his eyes scorching through my confused face.

He screams, “You’re a liar, you didn’t see anything.”

My head tilts while my eyes squint and ask a rhetorical question, “So you’re telling me my eyes lied to me?” This would mean all my beliefs were bullshit and I knew this wasn’t true but the disgust grew.

He answers, “Yes, your eyes lied to you because what you seen is nothing true. You’re just a pothead that can’t remember anything and no son of mine would say such a thing.”

There I go, drowning in a sea of pain looking up towards a starry night pleading with a higher being to end this and take me with him tonight. I feel like a traitor amongst the code of men that could never tell me what it takes to be one. The bunk bed is closing in on me, I feel small in an overgrown body with no space and emptiness to share with anybody. Thoughts keep crossing as to where my savior is, the mother I was loyal too didn’t sweep in and save me from the idol I thought I knew. I respond, “Enough said Daddy.” I walked out the room rewinding to  the moment we met and all I could think was Fuck You.

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There was no river of tears, I have been lonely since then surrounded by trauma I can’t subside. I no longer felt like a winner talking hot shit in the winter, I was a cold heart on a summer day walking along dark nights. The sun never shined bright enough for me since that moment and I suppose this is the first step to me being free. It’s my life and I have to own it but at least you got to know a piece of me.

 

5 thoughts on “Raynier’s House of Thoughts: Broken

  1. You know how much I admire you RP.. You are a strong man and I forever love your courage and you. Thank you for sharing this ❤️- M&M

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  2. […] I’ve always been a good man, but the trauma caused by my father led to many insecurities. I believed everyone was faithful to themselves and had no loyalty to anyone. I doubted you many times creating separation between you and I but I knew there’s always love. The caretaker that lent a shoulder for the two times I cried and had nothing show for it. I couldn’t repay with emotions, I only provided my intelligence and pushed you to become the best woman I can see in my future. I was selfish, I never thought to wonder that you were fine with being mediocre and setting limits to greatness. You didn’t want to be awakened or hurt for failing in a life you felt filled your soul with misery but I stayed and gave you company. How foolish was I? […]

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