It was the first time, and it wasn’t the last. I loved to hurt women. I loved to beat them and subjugate them to my will. I loved to tie them up, handcuff their thoughts, disarm their defenses, capture their hearts. I wanted to make them squirm while saying my name. Tears turn me on. It rouses my emotions. I want women to never forget me. I loved the trains the most. The screeches and sounds, the toss and turns, the silence after she looked at me with fear.  I am the conductor.

My first experiment was Paloma. Her lips as soft as a wet nurse breastfeeding a baby with hair as deep as the ocean. Her walk was the most memorable. She intoxicated the whole class with her long strides and hemmed skirts. First, I left an orange in her desk with a note saying “you remind me of Flordia”. No. Then I left a Linden Flower in her locker with a note saying ” will you be my honey”? No. For her birthday, a peanut butter-jelly sandwich asking her “will you be my jam”?Hell No. She was my first failure.

So I stepped up my game. This time I would help Stephanie with her homework. Let me use my brains and win over her heart with my smarts. So I helped Stephanie with her papers. When we had a history paper on the  civil war, “Sydney will you help me”? Of course. When we had a grammar test, “Sydney I missed the class, oh pretty please”? C’mon anything for you Stephanie. When we had the final exam, she would whisper, “let’s switch”. I didn’t blink. I was going for the kiss at the end of the school year, until she was holding hands with him. She waved out her hand and kissed me on the cheek and introduced me,

“Sydney, this is Alejandro my boyfriend”. My heart dropped as I smiled  with no teeth, “nice to meet you”.

“Sydney is one of my best friends, He’s the best”

He said, “Wow, you must be special”. He smacked her ass.

“Alejandro, stop it, oh my god, your so…”

I walked away. I was dejected, my inside were ripped inside my insides. I didn’t go outside for days.

It wasn’t the last time I was rejected. It was gonna be the first time I decided to hurt women.

3 thoughts on “Paloma

  1. The pain of rejection injecting progression for succession. Failing is necessary to become the best man you can be. Live Sydney, Live!


  2. […] Tourists walk at all hours. They smell of plastic bags, fresh film, sweaty backs, and heavy book-bags. There are no books. As their eyes wander to the sky, there is a twinkle. The Empire State Building lights up red, white, and black. If you make it here, you make it anywhere. Times Square doesn’t tell you about the things that breathe through their noses first. The things that smell a change in the atmosphere and emotion. They crawl in the basements of movie theaters. Under the stations of butter, they lay droppings. Under the pop of corn, they excrete. Inside the potpourri  hot-dog, they wait to be eaten. Sometimes they pass by your feet, but it must your partner’s foot hitting you. “I’…. […]


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